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The listings for the John F. Kennedy Center in the nation's capital highlights a fun dual-language performance and an improvised theatrical company. Notably absent from the public schedule is the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly invitation-only gathering. Officials appear determined to keep out any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid dignitaries will undoubtedly parrot the well-worn platitude that "football unites the world."

A Star-Studded Hosting Team

A glamorous event is due to be emceed by former model and TV host Heidi Klum together with diminutive US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Collectively, they will preside over a production that will undoubtedly have English football fans nostalgic for longing for the simpler, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the FA tombola and a trusty fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last the thick end of three long hours, the event will include a seemingly endless agenda of speechifying, overly sentimental highlight reels, scripted gags, famous faces, performances from artists with perhaps little shame or financial motivations, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Detail

Included in those helping to conducting the ceremony? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting icons, short of an uniformed security team storming the event, it's difficult to envision what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an overly deferential English yes-man is any kind of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the response was vague. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that high prices are acceptable when compared with other luxury items.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already secured a place for next year's tournament and six more due to join, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. But as fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three nations their particular country will face in the initial phase, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "people who help bring together people in peace through steadfast dedication and notable deeds." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the winner are ripe, even if the hints are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the owner today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a manager whose side on a five-game winless run, providing a classic remark likely to be revisited should a dismissal occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to buy a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to local games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"