🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.