Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
